a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
