i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
