haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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