4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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