I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
