Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
