Heybabeimwearingurpanties
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
