Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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