I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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