how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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