shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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