Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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