I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
