from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
