my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
