It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
