you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
