please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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