If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
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