i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
