Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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