i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
