I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
