my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
