apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
