So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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