My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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