she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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