i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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