I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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