My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
