You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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