my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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