just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
