If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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