and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
