If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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