I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
