I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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