if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
