Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Sorry about my life...
Randomize
