I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
