I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
