I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
