We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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