I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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