Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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