i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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