I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
