This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
