As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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